It’s scary to see your friends struggling but not being able to help them.

I’ve always been the parental friend, the therapist of the group. I help people when they need it and offer if it looks like they do. Sometimes they just need assistance with math, other times they need to talk out a situation that they’ve been struggling with. They might not come out 100% by the end, but they’re at least feeling a little better and putting in the time is worth it.

Lately, as college has been picking up, there have been friends that I can’t help. I can offer to give advice or a pep talk or a hug and that’s just not what they need at the moment.

It’s hard.

It feels like that I should be able to do something but I can’t.

And it’s scary.

And so to all the people who are struggling right now, whether it be with education or mental health or physical health, or anything that falls outside or in between, know that it won’t be this way forever.

Don’t burn yourself out trying to make the situation better. Rest is healthy.

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Sometimes I am the one who is struggling.

I try to fight it.

A sticky note on my desk sums it up best:

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I need to be strong.

Why?

For my friends.

But they will survive without your help.

But it will be easier with my help.

Won’t you let yourself breathe?

I don’t think I can.

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And sometimes I win, letting myself keeping a smiling or plain face while my feelings whither inside me. I let myself break once I’m in bed with the lights off, letting myself curl around pillows as the thoughts surround my head.

And sometimes I lose, tears streaming down my face as I fight even after I’ve lost. I don’t make a sound, at least not yet. I don’t bring it up. If someone notices, they notice. If not, it goes unseen and I sit there in a pool of my own thoughts.

I am still learning that the people who say that they will be there for me really mean it. I can talk to them. They’re willing to listen. I’m not burdening them by being in their room talking through my breakdown.

Sometimes you can help, sometimes you will ask for it. Sometimes people need to figure things out on their own and all you can do is be there if they need you.